Dance in the Rain

We’ve had a lot of rain in the past couple of weeks. I usually like the rain, in fact its my favorite season of the year. it seems though that my mood has decided to change with the weather. Been battling depression for the past couple of weeks, my doctor gave me sleeping pills because I’ve been unable to sleep and nothing I have done seems to be working.

Right now is a tough time for us as a couple, we are trying to decide if moving cities will be best for us.Right now on paper a move checks all the right boxes, but then there is a lot of uncertainty that comes along with it. Also a move automatically moves our TTC forward a couple of months, plus there’s the  fact that I just got a new and better job. Abuja has been home for 13 years, leaving is a very scary prospect.

Hubby is very distracted right now, trying to get everything in place, he wants to leave by September and I’m supposed to follow in January. That in itself is a huge cause for concern, since we got married the longest we’ve been apart is two weeks. I don’t know how that will play out. He doesn’t seem to see how badly this is affecting me and I can’t complain because I know how much strain he is under. But it kinda sucks that he can’t see that I’ve been an emotional wreck since he broke the news.

Meanwhile theres the normal family drama, too much for me to bore you with. But right now I just wish everyone would stay away. I’m a little resentful that no one calls us to see how we are doing, but the moment they want something they remember our number. I’m upset with myself that I can’t say no to their demands. Then I feel like a horrible person because you’re not supposed to resent family right? Right now I just want to pull my hair out and scream!

At times like this, its usually so easy for me to pray and I feel better instantly, but even that has been hard. I’ve tried writing but always delete the drafts, drinking, reading and now my sleeping pills and i still don’t feel better. Now I’m going to be thankful for all the things that are going right. Yes there might be rainy days but we need those days so that our plants can grow, so that we can appreciate the sunny days in our lives. I’m grateful for a husband who cares about our future, grateful for family that is there even if they are annoying. Grateful for my life and the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. So heres to rainy days and all the good things the they bring. Like 2face says in his song “I’ll dance in the rain” Download

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TTC*

Been married for about seven months now and one recurrent theme in Hubby and I’s conversations has been children, we talked about this a lot before we took the plunge especially since we had to agree on how they’ll be raised seeing as we have different faiths ( H is a muslim while I’m christian), but we never gave ourselves a timeline or anything. Soon after the wedding right after our honeymoon to be precise from nowhere there’s been an immense build up of pressure for us to get pregnant. In a typical Nigerian mode everyone has joined what I like to call “the Pregnancy Police” , where every cough, headache, or even change of hairstyle is seen as a pregnancy symptom.

Luckily for me all pressure has been external, because my hubby couldn’t be bothered, his take is “stop worrying children will come when God blesses us with them”. And I honestly believe that, but lots of times I give into worry, I’m already in my thirties, I’ve had irregular periods, I’ve had abortions and I’ve had a miscarriage. I’m like what if God decides to punish me for past deeds?  I quickly counter this with God is not vindictive, He wouldn’t punish me for mistakes I made. And there has been the timeline debate should I wait a while and enjoy this private time alone with hubby or should I just go ahead and start trying immediately. We decided that although we’d like to wait a year at least, its better we start trying right away if baby comes, yay! If not then we enjoy us till then.

Anyways you”ll understand my apprehension that seven months down the line of regular and passionate ‘coitus’ without any form of contraception, Mr Stork hasn’t come calling. Mean while I have friends who got pregnant the second they got off the pill. Up till now I wasn’t sure  if  I was ready to take that next step so I talked it over with Hubby and we went in to see the doctor today. We’re doing fertility tests to check if all the ‘plumbing’ works so I can put my fears to rest and enjoy the process. I’ve also decided to try to stick to my exercise routine I’m guessing being healthy won’t hurt the process as well as eating all the stuff that’s supposed to enhance fertility.

Bottom line is now I’m actively trying to conceive*