It all started with Sallah. This morning I asked hubby if he wanted me to do anything special for Sallah besides cooking the regular rice and fried meat, at first he was like nothing then he proceeded to add 4 extra dishes to the original menu I gave him. While we were talking I casually mentioned that I already had my Christmas lunch menu sorted and that’s how the topic changed.
Christmas is my favorite holiday and I’ve always dreamed of how my family would celebrate Christmas and how it would be fun creating my own family traditions. My earliest memories have been of my dad in his white shorts making ukodo (yam peppersoup) Christmas morning, then going to church in the new ‘Cinderella’dress and the shiny black patent leather shoes that was bought specially for christmas. As I grew older christmas became synonymous with work. Coming from a lagre family when everyone gets together you’re looking at cooking for about 50 people give or take. All the girls were recruited in the cooking force, so far you were old enough to be sent on an errand you were useful even if it’s only to pass maggi or salt. And we would make loads of food, like there was an unwritten rule that you must cook every kind of food, three different types of rice, stew, moi moi, plantain, coleslaw, salad, all kinds of meat and fish not forgetting the ‘christmas’ chicken. Generally the kind of feast that would put those medevial feasts to shame.all this merry making of course will be swiftly followed by a dish washing spree and if you were unlucky to be among the youngest (which I was) you were saddled with the responsibility. To this day I hate doing the dishes.
Anyways I digress. So I want a Christmas tree with presents underneath and hubby thinks it’s unrealistic, un Nigerian and based in pagan culture! We went back and forth for a while but then I decided to let it go. I figured that in our marriage and with our different faiths a Christmas tree is a small thing to give up, because there will be other important issues that I’d want to score points. He wants the kids to be raised as Muslims so I’m guessing he doesn’t want us starting traditions that would confuse them. He said we can have a tree but no presents under the tree! I don’t understand it but I’ve accepted it. I knew when I agreed to marry him that I would have to make compromises but it feels like part of the charm of Christmas is gone for me.
I’m sure I’ll get my Christmas spirit back before December , but till then my hubby holds the title of the Grinch 🙂
I’ve been too emotional to write anything thee past couple of days, so much has been going on and things came to a head this evening, hubby and I got into a huge fight and I just feel like I want to throw something and scream.
How much is too much as regards in laws cause I feel like our families are choking our marriage. We both have huge financial responsibilities towards our families and I’m beginning to feel like if we are not careful we won’t be able to save anything for ourselves of have proper plans for the future. I’ve been trying to think of a tactful way to talk about the issue but it all came out this evening. Hubby just kept saying I shouldn’t complain because God keeps blessing us as we give, I’m not complaining I just feel we should at least have savings for ourselves and once in a while be able to treat ourselves to something nice.
I’m not a selfish person neither am I unreasonable, but we can’t take care of our families and grow at the same time, we need to have money to invest and also save for the rainy days! I’ve explained to my folks that they should please give us some time to settle and I made it clear that I won’t be able to send as much money home as I used to for a while, is it too much to ask my hubby to tell his folks the same?
I’m sorry for the rant, I’m just really upset about the whole thing. Maybe I could have handled it better. What do you think? /p>
Hubby asked me what I would do if the test results show that he can’t give me children. That stumped me, subconsciously I’ve always assumed that if for some reason we couldn’t conceive the problem would lie with me! I’ve spent the whole evening thinking about it, these are my thoughts.
I married him because of who he is and not for his ability to father children,that was supposed to be like icing on the cake. I have never had a problem with the idea of adoption so we can still get to raise a family together. I’m more concerned about what news like that would do to his confidence level than anything else. I know this is easier said than done, but the bottomline is I honestly do feel that children are children biological or not.
I know now that hubby is as anxious as I am about the results of our tests and I almost feel like I’m about to open Pandora’s box. Im so close to saying no more tests, we are better off not knowing and leaving room to point fingers, on the other hand what if we find something that can be fixed and we catch it in time? Right now I’m truly confused 😦
Today is ‘Date Night’ yay! Or I should say evening cause there’s a game on at 7.30 tonight that hubby cannot miss so we’re going to watch the 4pm ‘Conan the Barbarian’ and we’ll get an early dinner afterwards.It’s been a rough couple of weeks for us cause we’ve been running low on finances (hubby is the primary provider for his family) and he’s been stressed bout cash for a while so this is a treat for us as we haven’t been able to do this for about 2 months now.
I can’t wait till I get a job and start chipping in although hubby has very traditional views on who the provider in our home should be. He is very “my money is our money and your money is your money” about our finances. Which isn’t a bad thing in itself but I know that right now an extra income would be more than welcome in our household. Finance is always a tricky issue in any relationship, but I think we’ve found our groove we don’t have joint accounts but we both know our respective income. We plan and budget together and basically it’s almost as bad as we almost can’t surprise each other with gifts cause the other person would be like ” what did you do with that money?”
People have advised both of us to be less open about our finances to each other, hubby especially. Saying things like “your wife should’nt know how much you earn” or ” your wife shouldn’t know what you give your family” . And I wonder the rational for such advice, I believe with full disclosure there’s less room for distrust. I heard a story of a man who paid rent for 10 years only to discover his wife owned the building! How do you recover from that kind of deception?
I am a firm believer in do what works for you so I’m curious to known your views on the issue
Been married for about seven months now and one recurrent theme in Hubby and I’s conversations has been children, we talked about this a lot before we took the plunge especially since we had to agree on how they’ll be raised seeing as we have different faiths ( H is a muslim while I’m christian), but we never gave ourselves a timeline or anything. Soon after the wedding right after our honeymoon to be precise from nowhere there’s been an immense build up of pressure for us to get pregnant. In a typical Nigerian mode everyone has joined what I like to call “the Pregnancy Police” , where every cough, headache, or even change of hairstyle is seen as a pregnancy symptom.
Luckily for me all pressure has been external, because my hubby couldn’t be bothered, his take is “stop worrying children will come when God blesses us with them”. And I honestly believe that, but lots of times I give into worry, I’m already in my thirties, I’ve had irregular periods, I’ve had abortions and I’ve had a miscarriage. I’m like what if God decides to punish me for past deeds? I quickly counter this with God is not vindictive, He wouldn’t punish me for mistakes I made. And there has been the timeline debate should I wait a while and enjoy this private time alone with hubby or should I just go ahead and start trying immediately. We decided that although we’d like to wait a year at least, its better we start trying right away if baby comes, yay! If not then we enjoy us till then.
Anyways you”ll understand my apprehension that seven months down the line of regular and passionate ‘coitus’ without any form of contraception, Mr Stork hasn’t come calling. Mean while I have friends who got pregnant the second they got off the pill. Up till now I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that next step so I talked it over with Hubby and we went in to see the doctor today. We’re doing fertility tests to check if all the ‘plumbing’ works so I can put my fears to rest and enjoy the process. I’ve also decided to try to stick to my exercise routine I’m guessing being healthy won’t hurt the process as well as eating all the stuff that’s supposed to enhance fertility.
Bottom line is now I’m actively trying to conceive*