Back to regular programming

Sorry for the break in transmission, Hubby’s been very ill. So between taking care of him and running the house I’ve been uber busy. Also my Internet has been acting up I hope it behaves itself now.

I’ve missed blogging, so much has happened this past week, I hope I can get round to writing about everything. I promise a full post tomorrow, thanks for stopping by 🙂

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What if?

Hubby asked me what I would do if the test results show that he can’t give me children. That stumped me, subconsciously I’ve always assumed that if for some reason we couldn’t conceive the problem would lie with me! I’ve spent the whole evening thinking about it, these are my thoughts.

I married him because of who he is and not for his ability to father children,that was supposed to be like icing on the cake. I have never had a problem with the idea of adoption so we can still get to raise a family together. I’m more concerned about what news like that would do to his confidence level than anything else. I know this is easier said than done, but the bottomline is I honestly do feel that children are children biological or not.

I know now that hubby is as anxious as I am about the results of our tests and I almost feel like I’m about to open Pandora’s box. Im so close to saying no more tests, we are better off not knowing and leaving room to point fingers, on the other hand what if we find something that can be fixed and we catch it in time? Right now I’m truly confused 😦

Full disclosure: Yay or Nay?

Today is ‘Date Night’ yay! Or I should say evening cause there’s a game on at 7.30 tonight that hubby cannot miss so we’re going to watch the 4pm ‘Conan the Barbarian’ and we’ll get an early dinner afterwards.It’s been a rough couple of weeks for us cause we’ve been running low on finances (hubby is the primary provider for his family) and he’s been stressed bout cash for a while so this is a treat for us as we haven’t been able to do this for about 2 months now.

I can’t wait till I get a job and start chipping in although hubby has very traditional views on who the provider in our home should be. He is very “my money is our money and your money is your money” about our finances. Which isn’t a bad thing in itself but I know that right now an extra income would be more than welcome in our household. Finance is always a tricky issue in any relationship, but I think we’ve found our groove we don’t have joint accounts but we both know our respective income. We plan and budget together and basically it’s almost as bad as we almost can’t surprise each other with gifts cause the other person would be like ” what did you do with that money?”

People have advised both of us to be less open about our finances to each other, hubby especially. Saying things like “your wife should’nt know how much you earn” or ” your wife shouldn’t know what you give your family” . And I wonder the rational for such advice, I believe with full disclosure there’s less room for distrust. I heard a story of a man who paid rent for 10 years only to discover his wife owned the building! How do you recover from that kind of deception?

I am a firm believer in do what works for you so I’m curious to known your views on the issue

TTC*

Been married for about seven months now and one recurrent theme in Hubby and I’s conversations has been children, we talked about this a lot before we took the plunge especially since we had to agree on how they’ll be raised seeing as we have different faiths ( H is a muslim while I’m christian), but we never gave ourselves a timeline or anything. Soon after the wedding right after our honeymoon to be precise from nowhere there’s been an immense build up of pressure for us to get pregnant. In a typical Nigerian mode everyone has joined what I like to call “the Pregnancy Police” , where every cough, headache, or even change of hairstyle is seen as a pregnancy symptom.

Luckily for me all pressure has been external, because my hubby couldn’t be bothered, his take is “stop worrying children will come when God blesses us with them”. And I honestly believe that, but lots of times I give into worry, I’m already in my thirties, I’ve had irregular periods, I’ve had abortions and I’ve had a miscarriage. I’m like what if God decides to punish me for past deeds?  I quickly counter this with God is not vindictive, He wouldn’t punish me for mistakes I made. And there has been the timeline debate should I wait a while and enjoy this private time alone with hubby or should I just go ahead and start trying immediately. We decided that although we’d like to wait a year at least, its better we start trying right away if baby comes, yay! If not then we enjoy us till then.

Anyways you”ll understand my apprehension that seven months down the line of regular and passionate ‘coitus’ without any form of contraception, Mr Stork hasn’t come calling. Mean while I have friends who got pregnant the second they got off the pill. Up till now I wasn’t sure  if  I was ready to take that next step so I talked it over with Hubby and we went in to see the doctor today. We’re doing fertility tests to check if all the ‘plumbing’ works so I can put my fears to rest and enjoy the process. I’ve also decided to try to stick to my exercise routine I’m guessing being healthy won’t hurt the process as well as eating all the stuff that’s supposed to enhance fertility.

Bottom line is now I’m actively trying to conceive*

The Road to Discovery

I had all these dreams of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish, I would say to myself that I had ‘the curse’ of the truly gifted. Don’t get me wrong I am gifted but I’m realizing now that all the things I wanted, I wanted for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be famous, to be the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, I wanted to be admired, to be associated with greatness. In all of these things a little very much ignored voice kept telling me that all I was looking for was love.
Now I have found the kind of love that accepts me with my faults and all I’m beginning to see that I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone but myself. Feels like I’m playing catch up to who I really am and that kinda sucks cause I’m 30 already, makes me wonder at all my life choices. I know I still feel a need to be accepted but it’s not as bad as it used to be.
I’m slowly but surely learning to accept me as I am warts and all.
I’m beginning to find joy in the little things to discover the ME I want to be not the ME I think I’m supposed to be

This is it!

That’s exactly how I feel. Been going through a myriad of emotions trying to adjust to married life, I’ve come to realize that this is the life I dreamed about, this is my tomorrow, this is the future they told me I was. I have to live this life now and live it well. I’m hoping this blog will help me process my thoughts and document my journey. “